Paalam Nanay Norma

May kasabihan, "Ang isang ina, isusubo na lang, ibibigay pa sa kanyang anak." At ito ay nakita ko kay Nanay Norma, kung gaano nya kamahal ang kanyang mga anak, hanggang saming mga apo nya. Sa 82 years ng buhay ni Nanay, halos 60 years nito, sya ay ina. Ako, five months pa lang akong ina sa aking anak kung kaya't hindi ko maimagine kung gaano kalaki ang pagmamahal, pag-aaruga at pagsasakripisyo ang ibinigay nya sa kanyang mga anak.

Labingisang taon nang wala ang mommy ko, kaya tuwing ako'y nangungulila, ididial ko lang ang numerong ito: 9038125, at maririnig ko na ang mataas at matinis na "Hello?", ang boses ni nanay. Magkakamustahan at magkwekwentuhan na kami at bago ibaba ang telepono, hahalik muna sya ng madami at sasabihing mahal nya ako. Napakaraming naming mga kwento at fond memories with nanay, bawat apo ay may isang di malilimutang alaala kasama si nanay, simula nung bata pa kami hanggang sa huli.  Ako, si Nanay ang naghatid sa akin sa altar noong araw ng kasal ko. Palagi kong sinasabing pagdasal nyang magkababy na kami, kasi sabi ko, alam kong malakas sya kay God. At noong buntis ako, alam kong nag-alala sya para sakin at sa baby ko. Kung kaya't masayang masaya kami na nakita at nahawakan nya ang kanyang great grandchild.

Ngayon, tapos na ang paghihirap ni Nanay, masaya na sya kasama si Tatay, at si mommy. Sana sa pagkawala ni Nanay, manahin natin mula sa kanya kung gaano kalaki ang pagmamahal nya sa kanyang mga anak, kung gaano kahalaga sa kanya ang pamilya.

We love you Nanay Norma. We'll miss you.

Seeing Baby Move

22 Weeks Pregnant

I'm on my 22nd week and that is more than half way though the pregnancy.
The past weeks, I have been feeling some movement on my tummy but I wasn't sure yet if that's the baby or something else. Described on my pregnancy bible, fetal movement can be any of the following: flutters, butterfly wings flapping, gas bubbles, growling stomach, twitches, light tapping, like a little fish swimming. I've had all those and I've been calling hubby, putting his hand on my tummy but he hasn't really felt it yet.

Last night, all set up in bed, I felt a strong movement on my tummy. What I did, I called hubby, rolled up my shirt and told him to look at the part of my tummy where I felt the movement. We stared a few seconds, recognizing my normal breathing movement and there it was! A sharp bulge on a small part of my tummy! It was like a very sharp kick from a little foot, or a very strong push from a small hand. We were both in shock, in awe, and my heart jumped with joy. Pure happYness.

Then I remembered, today marks ten years since we last saw Mommy Rose. And somehow, it made me even happier with the thought that it was her making baby move last night. To make me feel them both.

Certainty.

I know my life would be so much easier and so much better if you were here. Just a wishful thinking. Most days I will just put a smile on my face, being contented knowing, and keeping you here inside my heart. But give me just some days out of the almost ten years, to tell how much much I wanted you to be with me, with us.

Then, I will be fine again.

Your love is a certainty, that will always keep me going.

Proud Ate

Ever since I can remember, I was only referred to as an “Ate,” i.e. yung ate ko… But I was never really called one. I think my parents forgot to teach this to my sisters. They just call me by my first name/nickname. I am not ranting though. To be honest, I do not feel an “Ate” at most times, with these two sisters.

We all studied on the same schools during elementary and high school. But these two, they had medals and awards, and they belong to the popular group. They both graduated as scholars in college, after exactly four years. To date, one of them works for a multi-national pharmaceutical company, following, and exceeding the footsteps of our mom, and the other one is on public relations for one of the largest automobile manufacturers in the world.

What will be their most recent achievement is buying a new house, adding up their savings for an initial payment, and having the guts to get a loan for the remaining balance. I love the house ++++ plus, the location. I am hoping and praying, and keeping my fingers crossed, that Papa would agree to live with them so that we’ll be nearer to each other.

Yes, I am a proud “Ate.” For the successes and achievements of my sisters. I see a combination of Mommy’s traits on both of them. Lij’s strong will and courage while Cherub’s charisma and wit. I look up to them in most ways.

We lost our mommy nine years ago. We have our dad, who is a constant reminder of our mommy (being the opposite of her). But mommy told us that we should take care of each other. Being the eldest, I did not have to stand as a mother to my sisters. Obviously, there is no need. Aside from the fact that there is no replacement for our mother, having each other, ---supporting each other, being always present in good and bad times, standing by each one's decision--- that is enough to keep our lives going.

I am proud, not only because of my sisters’ accomplishments in life, but also because they are my sisters. Not only because of the same blood that runs through our veins that connects us, but also because of our hearts that are bonded with love.

Nanay Norma

My sisters and I, especially me, got the high-pitched tone of our voice from our mom. And where else would Mommy Rose get her high-pitched tone? Of course from her mom, Nanay Norma. Nanay was a pianist and a singer when she was young. We are always in awe when she plays the piano and sings in her Soprano voice. Our ever sweet, caring and loving lola. When I talk to her on the phone, she will never forget to say I love you very much before hanging up.

When she prays, it would usually take a while because she won’t forget to name each and every member of the family, even up to the children of her grandsons and granddaughters, cousins in the third and fourth degrees. But then, I've always admired her faith in God, and I always think that God listens to her prayers more.

Nanay Norma loves all her sons and daughters very very very much. That's how she'd say it. And even up to now, with her age, she will still try to provide for them with whatever can give, not saving for herself. And so this time, it's our turn: "Happy Birthday Nanay Norma. We love you very very very much!"

Rainbows

Typhooon “Ondoy” hit most of part of Metro Manila last September 26, 2009. Most of us had a share of stories and experiences. For us, it was just the house: the furniture and appliances. What was painful are the photo albums and the old pictures that were destroyed, and the one and only videotape of mommy. And of course, Papa’s labrador, Caloy.

As they say, after the storm, there is always a rainbow. Blessings came with all the family and friends that sent a simple caring text or email. “Taskforce Marcial” went there to the rescue. We didn’t mind cleaning piles of mud or washing tons of dirty clothes because we are sharing stories, smiling and laughing. Bonding and spending quality time. Rebuilding the house is far from being completed. But we are thankful that Papa is safe. The best rainbow of all is realizing, more of being reminded, that Mommy Rose is always by his side, watching him.

Pag-uusap sa "TEXT"

Umaga
Ama: Huwag na kayong pumunta dito dahil baha na papasok.
Anak: Ok, mamaya na lang tayo lumabas, kapag tumigil na ang ulan.

Tanghali
Anak: Kamusta ka na dyan? Malakas pa din ang ulan dito.
Ama: Papasok na ang tubig sa loob ng bahay.
Anak: Ok ka lang ba dyan? Ayaw mo bang umalis, magpasundo?
Ama: Hindi na. Dito lang ako.

Hapon
Anak: Baha na sa labas. Papasok na din yata ang tubig sa loob.
Ama: Dito may tubig na, hanggang tuhod.
Anak: May pagkain ka ba? Ayaw mo pa ding umalis dyan?
Ama: Oo, meron. Hindi ako aalis dito.

Gabi
Ama: Nandito na ako sa simbahan. Lagpas bewang na ang tubig sa loob. Hindi ko na narinig si Sam at Caloy na tumahol.
Anak: May mga kasama ka dyan?
Ama: Oo, may mga tao naman dito.
Anak: Yung paa mo, yung mga sugat mo.
Ama: Hindi, ok lang.
Anak: Kumain ka?
Ama: Oo.
Anak: Pa, sorry mag-isa ka dyan ngayon. Birthday mo pa naman, wala kami. Hindi ka naman namin mapuntahan kahit na gustung-gusto namin.
Ama: Ok lang ako.

Alas tres
Ama: Andito na ako sa bahay. Wala nang tubig sa loob. Madumi at maputik lang.
Anak: Mabuti.
Ama: Si Sam buhay, si Caloy wala na. Si Justin, hindi ko pa nakita.
Anak: May higaan ka?
Ama: Pwede na sa kama ko.
Anak: O sige, magpahinga ka na. Punta kami dyan agad pag-umaga.
Ama: Ok.

Simula noong bata ako, hindi naman kami masyado nag-uusap. Madalas, isang tanong isang sagot lang. Kahit nga madikit lang ang dulo ng daliri ko sa kanya, parang hindi ko matandaang nangyari. Pero ito na marahil ang pinakamahaba at pinakamatagal na pag-uusap namin, kahit na sa text lang. Andoon pa din ang mga isang linyang sagot at tanong, at ang pag-aalinlangan ng pagpapakita ng tunay na nararamdaman. Pero pinilit pa rin naming iparating ang pag-alala namin para sa kanya. At tingin ko, pinilit din niyang ibsan ang takot sa amin.

Iniisip ko kung bakit hindi siya nagpasundo nung umaga, o ba’t hindi siya lumisan nung tanghali pa lang o kung bakit hanggang kaya pa niya, hindi niya ito iiwan. Hangggang sa huling minuto ay hindi niya inalisan ang bahay na yon. At hindi siya lumayo, at binalikan pa ito kaagad. May puntong naiinis na kami dahil gamit lang naman ang andon at mas mahalaga ang kanyang kaligtasan. Nito na lang sumagi sa isip ko ang dahilan. Hindi lang tatlong aso ang kasama niya. Hindi siya mag-isa ng birthday niya. Ayaw niyang umalis sa bahay dahil ang bahay na iyon ang tanging lugar na may pinakamaraming alaala ni mommy. Kaya’t alam niyang ligtas siya don, hindi siya nag-iisa. Kasama niya si mommy.

At naintindihan ko na.

The Nurse

During the time that Mommy was sick, she had an “imported” nurse. Yes, a nurse all the way from Canada, who took time, packed her bags and went to the Philippines to take care of her, even for just a few weeks. When Tita Maricar was here the last time, I remember how she spent every single day with Mommy. As a nurse, she gave her the proper medical attention that she needs. As a sister, she held her. Talked to her and listened as well, fighting to hide the pain, always keeping the smile on her face.

After eight years, she came back with her family for a visit. On their farewell party, Papa came up to her and talked to her. “Maricar, gusto ko magpasalamat sayo. Sa lahat ng ginawa mo noon kay Rose. Hindi ko makakaya lahat yon kung wala ka.” And she smiled.

I seldom hear Papa say thank you. But then he knew the unconditional love the sisters had for each other. He just needed to remind Tita Maricar.. or himself. Perhaps, all of us well.

Birthdays..

Dear Mommy,
If a person dies, do people still celebrate this person’s birthday? She doesn’t grow a year older, right? Maybe, people just don’t want to forget, like us.

We remember your past birthdays. The surprise birthday where Papa was just wearing house-clothes. It was like your 18th birthday. You even had the 18-roses-dance with the different men in your lives.

Your last birthday, we need not invite people. Visitors filled our house with party food and gifts. That, in exchange for seeing and being with you in your special day. Even if you were tired and weary, you still faced everybody with the classic smile in your face. This was the last time I heard your voice.

Years have passed. Now, Papogs is busy with his dogs at home. He needs to be careful with his health though. We bought Sustagen Premium for him. He’s happy when Ikoy’s around. And Lij, will you allow her to work far from home? Cherub and I do not want to let her. We think she’s performing well in her work now. She was even featured in a magazine lately. So pretty. And Cherub, did you see Justin? Looks like he loves our bunso. Anyway, she really followed your footsteps. An excellent med rep that will be a “legend” in the future, just like ate rose.



I know I need not tell you, because I’m sure you’re still watching us from up there. And even if you’re not growing a year older, we will never get tired of celebrating your special day.
Happy birthday, Mommy.
I love you.

Tito Rey

I will never forget the look on his face when he visited mommy in the hospital, a few years ago. I do not have a good singing voice but as mommy requested, I was singing Tanging Yaman for her when Tito Rey came in. He stood at the other side of the bed, his face stooped down, gloomy and sad. It seemed like he wanted to say something, but he’s trying hard to hide it, trying to put on a smile on his handsome face. “… sulyap ng yong, kagandahan..” At this point, he couldn’t contain his emotions and just cried out, “Ate!” and literally cried, and hugged her.

Tito Rey is mommy’s younger brother. My sisters always thought that he has the kindest heart, of mommy’s brothers. He has this comforting voice in the sweetest tone, when he greets us and calls our names. But we seldom see him in our reunions because he was always busy and he needed to attend to his own family. This year, all of us were very glad because he was able to attend Nanay’s birthday. It was a must that he joins every family picture. And finally, we were able to give our gift for him this year. The Christmas reunion became even merrier. Indeed, a time for family, sharing and love.

October 18, 2001

Written two years ago, by my sister and me...

"Ika-apat na taon na. Parang kahapon lang, andyan pa siya. Pipikit lang ako, nakikita ko na ang ngiti niya. Kasabay nito, ang mga mata niyang nakangiti din sayo, kalakip ang buo niyang pagkatao.
Maiisip ko ang iba't ibang uri ng buhok niya, ang mga isinusuot nyang damit na hindi masyado pinag-iisipan. Bagay ito sa kanya. Kahit na walang make up o kulay ng mga kuko niya, maganda sya.
Sasagi sa isip ko ang mga kwentong nakapagpapangiti, minsa’y nakapagpapatawa. Ang pagsuot niya ng magkaibang pares ng sapatos dahil sobrang taranta dahil kasama ang boss nya sa pag-cover ng doctor. Maaalala kong minamaneho niya si Popoy na bulok o si Beige na makalat. Ang maliit na walis at dust pan na pinanglilinis niya ng loob ng kotse. Maiisip ko ang mga notes sa banyo tulad ng "Siguruhing nakasarang mabuti ang gripo." Ang handwriting niyang mahirap intindihin, parang doktor, kahit med rep sya, hindi doktor.
Sa paglaki ko, kasama sya sa bawat parte ng buhay ko. Ang paghatid niya sakin sa unang date ko. Ang lahat ng makukulit na tanong sa mga kaibigan ko. Mga simpleng hirit nya na hindi naman sya talaga nagpapatawa pero nakakatawa.
Ang pagpili ng eskwelahan kong papasukan base sa plate number ng unang sasakyang makita niya- PLM, UPM o DLS. Ang pagsama niya saking mag-enrol, makikipila sa mahahabang enlistment classes. Iiwan ko sya sandali at pagbalik ko, kilala na nya lahat ng katabi niya. Tuwing magpapakita ako ng classcards, makikita ko ang ngiti sa mga pasadong grades. Sa hindi, sasabihin nyang "Ok lang yan, anak, next sem na lang." Oo. Anak. Ansarap sarap marinig pag tinatawag niya akong anak.
Isang beses, nagsimba kami, Mother's day sa St. Paul. May chocolates para sa mga mommy. Ediba, may kasabihan, "Ang nanay, isusubo na lang, ibibigay pa sa anak." Pero siya, ayaw niyang ibigay samin, hindi naman daw kami mommy. Kaya sinubo niya nang buo at hindi kami binigyan. Ok lang. Tsokolate lang naman ang hindi niya binigay. Pero lahat, binigay niya, wala nang natira sa kanya.
"Nag-uumapaw sa pag-ibig. Sayang naman kung matatapon. Sana may sumahod." Yan siguro yung motto nya. Nag-uumapaw sa pag-ibig, pinasahod sa amin lahat!
Isang bawan bago sya mawala sabi ng kapatid ko, "Mi, pwede ka nang magpahinga. Wag ka nang mag-alala samin." sabi niya, "Next month na lang, pagtapos ng finals nyo." At ganun nga. Namatay siya sembreak na. October 18, 2001.
Iniisip ng mga tao kawawa kami dahil maaga kaming nawalan ng mommy. Kapag sinasabi naming wala na kaming mommy, nagsosorry sila. Ang hindi nila alam, mas maswerte pa kami sa maraming ibang anak sa mundo na may mommy pa. Dahil astig mommy namin--buhay man o patay.
Nagrerebelde ang panahon. May nabasa ang kapatid ko, yung mga patay na, napupunta sa oblivion, isang sulok ng utak ng tao na nakakalimutan na. Kahit gaano man natin subukin na alalahanin, hindi tayo makakapiglas dahil sadyang ganoon lang talaga. Pero sa mga nagmamahal sa kanya, pipilitin. Tutal, utak lang naman ang nakakalimot. Ang puso, hindi."

Mommy

To the most important woman in my life.
I miss you dearly.
My love for you will never be less.

God-sent

When she was little, she was the sweetest and closest to mommy. She couldn’t sleep without three things: this pillow that she calls “lambot unan”, thumb-sucking and holding mommy’s ears. And she likes turtles. Very much that she would shape the Flat Tops chocolate into a turtle first, before eating it.

As I watched her grow up, she excelled in school, had awards that I never had. Everyday when she goes home she studies at this mint-green, Monoblock roundtable in our yard. She goes through all her lessons for every subject. Yes! She’s that diligent that even if there’s no homework, she will still review what she learned for the day.

One time she told me I was lucky because I was able to spend 21 years with mommy, she only had 16. But I didn’t think so. Mommy loved her very much and worried for her the most and she told us to take care of her and protect her. She struggled when she got into college but managed to finish the course that she took. (it sounded more than one course to me…) And I knew, mommy was looking down at her, smiling, with gladness in her heart. And I was the proudest ate in the whole world.

She was our “bunso.” But it didn’t seem that way, because the decisions that she made, the challenges that she bore, the fights that she won, the responsibilities that she took, were too big and mature for her. They say, the youngest sibling is always the most selfish. But she disproves this theory. She loves without conditions. Her kindheartedness puts her own self aside so that she could give to others. Her goodnaturedness makes her continue to give even though she’s hurting. She forgives even if she’s been stabbed at the back, and she keeps on caring.

An angel in her name, and truly, an angel sent by God. How would you feel when you see an angel injure her wings? Cry and get hurt? I feel helpless, I just ask God to hold her so she won’t fall. And in case she does, we will be here to catch her.

She need not call me "ate." She is my baby sister. Our one and only baby sister. And it's good, because it's forever.

The One Who Taught Me How To Make Tuna Sandwich

Yes, that is Tita Beth. The first time that I met her was when she went back here to see mommy and take care of her for a few weeks. She only eats tuna sandwich. And Yes! She made us eat tuna sandwich every meal as well. Even though it has been more than twenty years since mommy and Tita Beth last saw each other, their bonding as sisters was still there.

A few years after, I got the chance to see her family. The first time I called her on the phone, I cried after hearing her voice, it was like hearing my mommy’s voice(only with an accent). A month before mommy passed away, she had tubes in her throat and she couldn’t talk since then. I remember her scribbling notes with her doctor-like handwriting. Yes, she couldn’t talk but she would write everything. From “It’s hot” and “I’m hungry” to her mushy “I love you”s and “Take care of your sisters” notes.

Back to Tita Beth, after the phone conversation, I went to their place and I met my two pretty cousins that I’ve never seen in my life. During the overnight stay, I got the chance to know them. Had a peek of their lives a thousand miles away from here. They took me to places I never thought I would go. Told them stories of my life as well.

The experience was fun and indeed, a happy one. I felt I have my two little sisters with me and a mommy. A feeling that I last had a few years ago, since then.

Thank you, Tita Beth. For the memories and for your blessings.